Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
