Yo dont text me then not text me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
