I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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