Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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