Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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