Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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