Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
