I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
