Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
