so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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