I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
