oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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