Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
