Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
