I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just cut my nipple shaving
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
