how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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