happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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