i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
