I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize