I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
