non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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