you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
