it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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