I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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