guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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