i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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