I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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