She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
