Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How does it feel to date your dad?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
