my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I need to wash the frat house off of me
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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