this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize