I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
