Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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