You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
