Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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