a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
