I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
