we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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