Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
