Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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