well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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