He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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