Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
