My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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