Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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