Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
