I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize