I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
