True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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