Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Randomize
