your parents love me but you hate me
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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