oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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