I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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