his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
