you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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