Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize