Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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