Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
