Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
