Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
