Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
