PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
